Family, friends, life.

“All parents set out with expectations, hopes and dreams for their child. When a child is diagnosed with a health problem, these aspirations are altered. While one parent is hoping to see their child graduate from university, another is praying that they can live pain free”
― Sharon Dempsey

This is something I think about a lot; how my mother must feel. I imagine it must have been hard at first, watching her daughter slowly whisp away, into the depths of an illness.

I imagine she must have felt some guilt for me being sick.

Sometimes, I picture her sitting up late at night, drowning in her thoughts. Thoughts of worry and wonder. Thoughts of hope for my future. Maybe even thoughts of fear.

I know I do.

I would be up at the most perfect time of the day, a little before the sun wakes up, and just think.

I would think about what would have happened to me if we hadn’t caught this sooner, or if I hadn’t gotten my treatment fast enough. 

I like to think about what it’ll be like when I go back to school. Fully emerged in the stares and whispers of some meaningless high school.  I can feel it already, their eyes on me as I walk in to school, that early April morning. Ignoring them as much as possible.

Hopes? Oh yes, I have many hopes.

I hope to graduate high school, on time, with my friends.

I hope to continue on to Med School and become a pediatric nurse. Where I’ll be helping children just like I once was.

I hope my family forgives me for making them worry about me for such a long time.

I hope my friends let me have a “redo” on my teenage-hood, that I lost a long time ago.

I hope to never have to say to my future child, “Mommy’s too sick to play right now”.

I don’t mind faking my smile. I really don’t mind that I pretend I’m not in pain. Because one day, I won’t have to fake a smile or pretend I’m in pain. That smile will be real. That pain will be gone.

This will all just be a distant memory of what was.

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